Please read my letter and consider sponsoring my work in Nicaragua. Thank you!
God that’s hard for me.
Sensitive to the emotions
and the perceived emotions
empathy and selfishness are often holding hands
how much is genuine
afraid to not fit in, such a basic stupid truth
afraid to be uninteresting
push boundaries but be admired for it, applauded for it,
always liked for it
and always be right
right in all ways
inside and out
Stupid basic truths
you do care strongly
you do believe strongly
you do live
As far as I know this is it
if not now
How do I put this?
I have mornings where I am paralyzed with fear to leave my bed much less my house. I have free floating anxiety that tries and sometimes succeeds at convincing me that going anywhere, seeing anyone, even going downstairs is pretty much the worst idea ever. Ever in the history of the world.
I don’t even know what I’m anxious about though it’s unlikely it would help to know.
Other mornings I’m up and at ‘em with a spring in my step and a gleam in my eye. Yeah, I wrote that, deal with it.
The mornings that I’m trapped in my bed in my racing brain are the mornings that I have slowly begun to learn I must do every damn thing in my power to push through. Push just hard enough to break through to play music. Push through to message one of my friends who knows me and listens and then pushes alongside me to get me where I need to be.
So much of it is just one tiny thing at a time: get out of bed, get into the shower, get dressed, and then the big push: get down the stairs. All the while my brain is screaming YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS! You can get back in bed, it’s fine, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It is absolutely fine to sleep and read and Netflix all day. You’ll get over the guilt and shame. Just get back in bed. NOW.
The way I’ve been getting through the screaming these days is by replaying the voices of my friends, friends who know what I need to hear whether it be Get the fuck out of the house before I kick you in the head to You got this, just breathe and take one step at a time.
It helps to think of the amazing people I’m working with in a country that is rich with a history of struggle and hope. It helps to make myself smile and hum to the music I play and remind myself that I am actually incredibly happy despite the screaming in my head. It helps when I have people to leave the house with, people to show new things to, people to help. It’s silly sometimes how much I can do when it’s for someone else, things that I’d never be able to do for myself.
And sometimes, despite all of that, I find myself back in bed consumed with guilt and shame while incredibly relieved and yet terrified for the next day. I’ve had less of those days this month though it hasn’t gotten any easier to fight the screaming.
I just know that when I do fight and push and get through it I’m consistently rewarded in every way possible by those around me.
A friend keeps reminding me that I need to hit the reset button, start over, retrain my mind, break the pattern enough times and that becomes its own pattern.
Thank you a bajillion times over to everyone who has ever listened to me as I ran rampant with my anxious thoughts. Thank you to those who push me when I need it and hold my hand when pushing is beyond me. Thank you to those who have to push through their own screaming every day to be in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Listen to: J.B.H.T.G.G. (Single) by Sparhawks
Bradbury, Eames, Angelou, Gladwell, Einstein, Byrne, Duchamp, Close, Sendak, and more. “Creativity” is one of those grab-bag terms, like