Frustration

I’m so hurty and angry and sad and frustrated, (and I’ve been this way since Monday), that I haven’t a clue how to write anything. Anything of interest. Anything that makes me feel better. Anything that conveys my mess of emotions and thoughts. I’ve cried every single morning since Monday. I couldn’t listen to much of the radio, not even NPR, after the bombings-the repetition of reporting and the amount of speculation as to who, what, why-it was too much. After the arrest on Friday I also turned off the TV and radio (I had spent most of the day glued to the news stations, I’ll admit that freely) because I couldn’t listen to the combination of elation and the expressed need for the suffering of the suspect in custody. I dip in to the news via the internet and radio now-just enough to know if new, important facts have come to light-and then I put music on or shut off the computer and get the hell outside. 

I need to put down some of what is sitting and eating at me. My feelings are huge and complicated though mixed in are emotions that are simple and clear. And if that makes any sense to you at all, please fill me in. 

I was told yesterday that “perhaps I am still too close to the situation” to have any perspective. That person was trying to convince me that the police/FBI actions that started late Thursday night and ended Friday evening were “military action” that were completely overblown and tantamount to putting Boston in a police state. He couldn’t fathom why I, a liberally minded woman, would disagree. He kept refusing my information: we weren’t on a mandatory lock-down, it was a highly recommended shelter-in-place situation, people outside of Watertown who did drive or walk or bike were not punished in anyway. Businesses did open and were not forced shut by angry police with guns. In Watertown it was a different story of course-they had strong reason to believe the second suspect was still there and possibly armed with explosives. Even the people of Watertown weren’t locked in their homes-as is evidenced by any news footage of that day as people milled about near every news crew, even when they were asked to leave by police.  Somehow though, my friend refused to hear me or take anything I said as legitimate because apparently, if you’ve been through a situation it negates your ability to have any perspective on it.  The fact that this friend-a liberally minded, generally intelligent fellow-could say that without giggling angers me ever so much further. It felt right up there with “don’t trust a woman’s emotions or thoughts when she’s got her period”.

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

I’m ever so sorry that your search for proof that the police have too much power and that their speedy reaction time to the suspects was actually a sign that our country is becoming more of a police state is not going to be found here. 

And then they have the audacity to tell me that the people of Watertown and the rest of Boston cowered in fear and because we voluntarily stayed inside when asked that we’re all a bunch of cowering sheep. This to a city of people who got up Tuesday morning and went to work and to school and to the growing memorial at the finish line of the marathon. This to a city that when the “shelter in place” recommendation was lifted were willing to move about again even though the suspect hadn’t been caught. 

I can’t vouch in anyway for the treatment of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev after his capture late on Friday-I do not carry blind faith in our justice system or even in our police. I think the use of the “public safety exception” to get out of reading him his Miranda rights is absurd and totally shitty. Particularly considering the kid can’t talk because of a bullet to his throat so any immediate questioning that might have given urgent public safety information is actually impossible. This is an American Citizen!!! Declaring him an enemy combatant is simply insane not to mention completely unjust and something that should be terrifying to every other American.

*sigh*

I’m disgusted and horrified by the bombings on Monday. So many lives irrevocably damaged and changed in an instant. No reason we might ever get from the suspect will be enough to settle our hearts and minds. Bombings like this happen every day around the world, often with more lives lost and more limbs destroyed; that doesn’t not negate the terror and pain that was felt here in Boston on Monday afternoon. I pray that such horrors grant us all more empathy and compassion for those who must live in real war zones daily. The events of late Thursday into Friday evening were likewise horrendous-the point blank shooting of an officer in his car, the brutal shootouts, the fear of the residents of Watertown when they learned a man armed with guns and explosives hid in their neighborhood-these events, these emotions-they will never go away. 

After the arrest on Friday night the people of Boston took to the streets with great enthusiasm and relief. The mostly empty streets became mobbed with cheering crowds celebrating this being “over”. While I shared the relief of my fellow Bostonians I can’t say I’ve felt in anyway that this is over. The suffering and loss experienced Monday and on Friday will never be over. There is so much more to come with the gathering of evidence, the trial, and of even more importance: the recovering and healing of the victims and their families. I’m proud of my adopted city-proud of the strength of heart and willingness to support each other. I worry that once the immediacy has worn off, the adrenaline of everything that our compassion will subside and the anger will rise in its place. I pray that the strength and empathy displayed this week will continue to grow and that simply because “our” suspect was arrested does not mean we will forget the bombings and shootings that people face every single day. 

That’s where I’m at right now. Much more inside but it’s not yet close to being something decipherable on paper. Healing and peace, that’s what I wish for us all. Every single one of us deserves to heal and to be at peace.